Grandparents or Not?
Recently i read Jenn’s blog about having one’s parents or inlaws included in raising the children as a good thing. To some degree i agree it is a good thing providing you have the right parents for the job.
Personally I rather not involve my own parents in upbringing of my child. I rather they be spectators, come over once in a month or so to spoil him rotten… then go back to Ipoh and leave us alone. Cold perhaps, but I feel that sometimes grandparents complicate things further and I want to avoid that as much as I can. My parents & in-laws are regular people, nothing devastatingly flawed about them. However I find that I do not share many beliefs they uphold or try to impart.
I’m glad my parents & in-laws do not push me for more face time with the grandson. As it is, it’s a miracle that I actually gave them a grandson as for a time in our lives; we really were serious about not having children. Yes in hindsight I can’t imagine having made that decision but truly everyone has options when one is without child. Without question it is a huge sacrifice to have kids but once you get into the groove it beats having a LCD TV in each room of the house or dare I say a Alienware desktop/laptop (Bin HOOK ME UP!!!!).
Perhaps we would’ve allowed Audrey’s parents to care for Shane if they did not have to care for Audrey’s sister’s 2 and a half monsters (the youngest is not that bad but the continued influence from the elder brother is making him into a whole monster soon). My condition was if you want to take care of Shane, the 3 kids must go. How terrible of me yes? But they are already decently older (youngest is already in pre-school). The mother can take them back and handle instead of unappreciatively free-load child-care off the old folks for another 10 years. How can the old lady be able to handle a newborn baby with 3 crazy kids running around amok in the house? I want proper attention to my kid not a by-the-way-I-can-take-care-la attitude.
Hell the first few days of Shane’s birth I already knew I could never depend on my in-laws. I packed our bags 4 days into living with them for the period of confinement for Audrey. Why didn’t they come over and stay with us? You forgot they are still committed to take care of the other 3 kids. They didn’t help at all. Audrey had to do most of the things if I wasn’t around. Her hands were constantly wet from cleaning Shane’s stuff, a big no-no for women who had just given birth, not to mention a C-sect. I ended up having to take leave for a few days to help her. I decided we had 2 get a last minute confinement lady to help us out. Pricy of course since it was not scheduled but it was so much better. At least Audrey got to rest and I got to go back to work instead of wasting all of my leave She has maternity leave, I don’t you know.
Honestly at that point I was very disappointed in my in-laws for dropping the ball. I explicitly asked them way before Shane was born if they could handle it. They confidently said they could. 2 days in and my mother-in-law is already complaining that Shane is too heavy for her to bath him. What the fuck man… that really pissed me off. I’m sorry if I sound like a heartless son of a bitch… wait… I honestly don’t give a fuck. I know they are old and not easy la… so many kids to handle. Then don’t fuckin’ commit la… I didn’t put a gun to their heads and ask them to care for my son. They volunteered ok! Yes, yes… I’m ungrateful… fuck u la… it’s my life… n my son’s life… I can’t be having half ass job being done on my son… my life revolves around my son and my wife… so if any mistreats them or doesn’t give them the due attention I get pissed. I know its all water under the fuckin’ bridge la…but I was truly miffed at the point.
Perhaps it was also my mistake for actually thinking they could help with the hands so full. I’m so glad I wrote off my parents early because honestly my parents would have done are far worse job than my in-laws. So I can tell you that having parents involved in the upbringing up of a child is not all that good… so very circumstantial. I’m so glad Loke’s parents can help out so much and give Jenn more time to go about her stuff… but girl… not everyone is born with a lucky star like you. We need to pay through our nose for decent help. I really wish sometimes that I could just quit and take care of Shane, but I know I would also do a ghastly job. Audrey on her own would fare much better than me… but we both need to work to enjoy a somewhat decent lifestyle. Sorry la… I don’t pull in enough to support everyone.
I grew up in a grandparent raise me environment so I know how good it can be as well. I love my Poh-Poh to bits. Hell I am definitely closer to my granny that my own mother in some ways because she brought me up when mom is working. So I will expect that Shane would also have a good relationship with the nanny if we do prolong the care till he is much older. At this point we still don’t know if it is a long term thing or do we need to figure something out once he starts pre-school and all that. Sure grandparents could help out then since Shane would be much easier to handle (maybe)… but I personally not very keen on that prospect. I wonder if I could like rob a bank and not have to worry about money then I can just quit and raise my son. Stupid notions like that pop in my head… I just am so afraid I will miss out on my son’s development. I’m also very worried that I over-shelter my son… so it’s a constant battle on what is just right for him. As it is I feel that I’ve winged so many things I normally would’ve put the brakes on but I tell myself ok… let’s give this a go and pray nothing too bad comes out of it or is not repairable.
Well that’s my take on grandparents anyways… just coz we don’t let our parents into the development of a child isn’t all bad… in fact for me I think it’s just what we need. Less family intervention as much as possible. I honestly trust strangers (well not strangers strangers la) and friends more than my own family in a lot of things. Whoever says relatives are always dependable apparently hasn’t met mine and my extended ones.
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Like I said in my first article, to depend on them fully is not wise. Grandparents are not for raising kids. But a strong and constant presence of one’s grandparents is I believe a positive effect, provided that the mom/dad briefs their respective parents on the rules of the house. We had to do that when my in-laws came. No TV all day. No force-feeding. That sort of thing. For the most part, they listen coz we’ve proved to them we have done it on our own without any help for a year so they don’t want to mess up our routine!
Well, you are lucky to be a stay-at-home mom. Nannies are a pain in the butt when they don’t listen to you, and want to raise your child their way. No TV all day? Hmmph! Nanny is actually proud the kid is watching TV so intently all day! Pbbthh!